PURE UNADULTERATED HELL!

I had a couple of topics in mind that I wanted to write about, something I hadn't had the time for in the past several days. And then today I heard some dolorous news from one of my very dear friend, who decided to write her pain away, so here it is in her own words, much better than I could ever pen it or feel it.

29th July 2006

The following is written by a Ms.Graceful Girl-Next-Door who is well-educated and lives in India and whose Arranged-engagement got cancelled today, a few weeks before the engagement date, due to some Silly "Official" reason, the real reason being the Guy's obsession towards Skin Color and Appearance - the guy who first saw her in a saree in which she apparently looked "beautiful-and-fair" enough for him to give a green-signal to the "Marriage Process" (which meant that the Engagement and Marriage Dates to be decided and close friends and relatives could be informed about the engagement) and who later saw her at her office in a churidhar. Probably it was the sun or scorching heat, she apparently looked "dark" enough for him to have his second-thoughts and for God-only-knows-what reason continued to talk to her over phone/mail about nothings and somethings until yesterday when he was supposedly fully occupied in his "MEETINGS". The Bombshell was delivered at 7:00 AM via a call from the Guy's mother who kept parroting about the Silly "Official" reason while her parents were trying their last attempt to somehow salvage the situation, in vain.

Have you ever cried so much that there are no more tears to shed?

Have you ever seen your usually introvert father who loves you, cry aloud in front of you, because of the pain he sees in your eyes?

Have you ever tried to suppress your emotions and your tears just so that your aging parents may find a little peace, at least in front of you?

Sound dramatic???

Well...let me tell you by experience, if you've experienced the above, it means a part of you dies.
Yes, a part of me died...today. At 7:00 A.M to be precise. I read somewhere that, when you are in pain, if you pour your anguish out into words, the pain eases. So, I am trying this out now, as I think, writing is something I am good at.

For those who know me...
I am what you call an extrovert, a person who loves to smile and laugh, a girl who loves to find humor in everything and a loyal friend to a lot of good people. And now, this instant, I am really not sure if I will be really able to smile, ever in my life.

All this because of a person who doesn’t deserve any tears! A person who is so shallow, so selfish, so uncaring and so faithless, that I know I am lucky not to be associated with him any more. Yes, heart-in-heart, I am glad that I need not even talk to him anymore and pretend that everything is just fine...Pretend that we are going to live happily ever after, even with all the basic differences between him and me...Pretend that I am one of the few lucky people in the world for whom arranged marriage would really find my better-half. But at that time, I didn’t even realize how I hated that pretense. Looking back, I admit that I should have really listened to the most important person in my life...ME!

And may be things would have ended differently.

What if I had stopped the "process" instead of him?? I would have had to spend sometime to make my parents understand the situation and I am sure they would have helped me out. I would have been termed ‘Arrogant and un-compromising’ by the Guy's people about whom I don’t and won’t care. At least, I wouldn’t have seen the pain in my parents' eyes. And now, I’ll never know what would have happened if I had stopped pretending and took matters into my hand and dealt with them by being just what I am...just by being HONEST to myself.

Now that the matters are really out of my hands, after the initial denial, shock and anguish, my foremost thought is freedom...I have a sense of freedom and relief...I am thankful and grateful for this chance to be honest to myself. My rational mind tells me that I should just forget this incident ever happened, that he didn’t deserve me and that I am better of without him.

But there lies the most difficult question, which I guess, eats anybody who is under shock and depression...

Why me???
Why should this happen to me? What’s the meaning of this? What should I learn out of this?
There are lots of people for whom the marriage "process" in this society is just a piece-of-cake.
Along with the parents, boy meets girl, they like each other, the 2 families like each other, engagement and marriage dates are decided, engagements gets over and marriage gets over and the life goes on with the promised ups and downs. Why me, who has been very particular not to hurt anybody, the process has to stop half way through?! Now that this has stopped, what should we tell our friends and relatives?

I guess I need not worry about my friends as they really know ME and are loyal to me.
The problem is, I am afraid that in situations like this, the so-called "society" plays this "Blame Game" - somebody is made the scapegoat for everything. And unfortunately most often, it’s the girl even if the real culprit, as in my case, is the boy. And for my parents' who belong to the earlier generation, it’s only understandable, that this is their primary concern. And now I have to rely on my reputation till date to save me from the "Bad Name"!! I really don’t want to care to what others think, having professed the same to others. But, being a social animal, I DO care.

Now comes the difficult part which is eating me...Am I not good enough for this "Marriage" Process which promises to fetch your better half? I know that I cannot be termed as "beautiful" or "striking". When I really dressed-up for an occasion, I can fall under the "Pretty" category.
So what?! That’s me. That’s the real me. I am a person who is trying to just live up to the meaning of my name. Even now, I still believe that my man should see the real ME...not what I wear or what color I am. I am being told there are some good guys out there who are not shallow...who value character more than color. I feel like a fool for trusting him enough to think that he will snap out of his obsession towards color and appearance. Apparently, he never did!

And the lessons learnt???
That’s for me to answer, right? First and foremost, I will be honest to myself and never compromise too much for this "Marriage Process". Now, one would wonder why there is "too much" in the above sentence. I am still realistic...I know that I need to make some compromise but next time, there will be a pre-defined limit to the level of compromise. And, next, probably this episode will make me more confident and push me firmly towards (at least) my career goals.

Truly speaking, as of now, my self-confidence is in shreds...but deep inside I know that I will make through this. And my self-confidence should be stronger enough to keep me out of Self-pity. I know wallowing in self-pity will not take me anywhere...it will just give me a few more tears (which I don’t want to shed for such an unworthy cause) and get sympathy from others (which I don’t need).

The above Rants and raves have been helpful to some extent in distracting me from my pain. Sometime during the period I was writing the above, I became a spectator of my own life.

The Big Picture... is promising.

I have escaped from a greater doom.

But today was HELL. PURE UNADULTERED HELL.

I won’t wish this on even my worst enemies. Well, I don’t have any...but still, that’s the phrase one says to express the depth of one's pain and hurt.

Probably tomorrow will be better….

There is HOPE. And thank God for that.

Knowing her, I know she has more than hope!