Anatomy of an Indian Movie

I am finally stepping into the unknown and writing about stuff that I have no business about, not that I had any business with the previous ones. But for a guy who hasn't seen an Indian movie in well over 11 years, I do know a lot about it (Or so I think). Why would you let a guy who once infamously asked who Ramba(A then famous Tamil actress) was? The picture says it all.

All I need is one minute of the film to tell which of the general plotline it would take, so lets dig in and try to conjure up one right now. To begin with need a few songs with lots of dancing shot in various locations around the world. Then you need to decide if you want a love story between a rich girl and a poor guy or vice versa, this can be exchanged for a urban - rural matchup or a literate - illiterate match up. This will form the skeleton structure of the movie.

Next come the muscles, need to make the hero stronger than Superman, able to as the picture indicates walk with a bullet in the heart. Also needs strength to cut a bullet into two using a knife and kill two people using those sliced pieces. Also helps if the hero is always outnumbered 1000 to 1.

Ofcourse you need the heart which would be 10 minutes of crying for whatever reason it might be. Maybe everytime the sacrifice of the hero is mentioned, it could turn into a sob scene.

The skin is provided by the fairer sex, specially with their "item" numbers*.

There is no need for a brain in this anatomy, if it had one, there would be a stroke as soon as it started functioning.

No movie is complete without the perfect climax, a pot pourri mix of fighting, blood(preferably from the hero), death (of one of the hero's close family/friend) and the triumph of good over evil.

If only I had the money or the backing of the underworld.

"I'll be back."

* Item numer -> When you have a pretty lass who has no connection with the storyline dance sensuously as a popcorn break during the boring part of the movie.

Credits to Vijay for the picture.

My first major brickbat ... ouch!!

Finally I did get under the skin of somebody, atleast somebody with the good sense to take me to task. Followed in italics is the email about a previous post Goddamned!... don't forget "If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention"

"... The Christians protest anything that goes against their definition of family values, the Muslim imams add fuel to the fire by adding pictures that were not even published and go against their own code by carrying around the picture of the prophet. The Muslims don't want anybody to make fun of their prophet but will make fun of the Jews and the holocaust. The Hindus will not let valentine's day corrupt their culture (Do you know where Kamasutra comes from?), they will send their sons and daughters to America and wear Nikes and Reaboks, but will blame the ...."

"Y do u blame others for what they are ... u blame Muslims and Hinduz for what they r but what good r u first ... I mean don't u think u r doing the same ... reading what u have written I don't find u any better to (than) the description u have given for (a) Muslim or (a) Hindu ... Touch ur heart and first tell u have not made fun of any religion or religious person or ritual which may mean nothing to u but must have meant everything to someone else ... What the heck u tell about someone when u have so much in urself ...

(I'm) Not trying to tell everyonez fine and u have said is something wrong ... Yes Muslims do make fun of .... and hindu (BJP Politicians ) for their own selfish publicity bet up the shopz and y didn't u talk about Christians(sic) ... I really wish Christians stop talking about rituals of any hindu as dumb and stupid (I have seen 90% of them doing it... and I have not seen much of hinduz or muslims talking things about other religions..)

Every religion has their own cultural values.. I think the best would be when no one pokes their nose into others and mind their own bloody business (sic)... We need to look at people like human being and not like hindu christian or muslim ... I don't know when we can see that day in India

Itz not that everyone in India wants to celebrate val day... itz just that shops and fast foodz get more of business in the name of this day... no parents would feel that their kidz go (to) celebrate val day (and) dance around in roads and night parties (heard so much of it happening here) and I really think itz different from using a nike shoe.... I have known so many who fear if their kids r fine without an affair... (that doesn't mean i'm for people hitting the shops and beating up people in parties ...) and what does val day got to do with kamasutra.. totally irrelevant.. u r not talking about sex education or sex in movies to pull ks here...

I really wish to stay in a place where we look at each other as human being... I have always wished to since my school days... Don't know how things will be.. Have not seen anything changing ... I personally have never commented about any religion or culture but yes I'm not for the idea of aping western without even knowing what it is all about ..."

I don't know how that started off, but heck I have made fun of everybody and everything that mean nothing and everything to me, starting from the Pope to the Sankaracharya! I don't know if you have read all my posts, if you had you wouldn't have made such a sweeping judgment of me (Atleast not by the views expressed in the blog). My definition was not of a Muslim or a Hindu (or for that matter a Christian) in general, but the fringe elements in each. I don't think I (of all people) would promote atheism or agnostism by attacking religions ... I might attack some of the practices of each but then that's what I do (Atleast a part of what I do). Also my aim is not to just attack but to spark a debate. If you had gone further with your quote, It would be hard to come to your conclusion, Atleast if you know about the crusade and whets been happening in the US with the topic of evolution.

While talking about my double standard, you mention BJP when you talk about the Hindus but make no such differentiation when it comes to Muslims. It is indeed a big deal to know what 90% of Christians feel and do, while I am still trying to find what atleast mille-fraction of them feel or do. Looks like you have a beef to settle with one of the communities and I don't know if I am the right scapegoat for the same.

Let me also point out, religions don't have cultural values, they have religious values. Untouchability and the caste system started off as a religious edict that entered into the cultural mainstream. No amount of sugar coating it is going to make me believe that it didn't/doesn't exist as it has.

If you had seen my next post, you would have known that I don't really care about V-day. I was talking about the hypocrites who publicly protest it as a western influence but privately don't mind doing the same. Why was kamasutra brought into it? To negate the feeling that V-day has broken India's culture by promoting promiscuity (It most definitely does), while we have the homegrown subject matter expert and one of the most well known exports of our country. The reference to nike was to show what some protectors of Indian industry and darlings of the right in India (read the RSS and Swadeshi Jagran Munch) who promote Indian products themselves use western ones and who talk about Indian ethos, send their kids westwards to follow a different path.

The thought of utopia is like the search for Atlantis ... hope you find it. But lastly you did comment about other religions in this same mail! What do you think is aping ??? Ghandi said that western culture would be a good idea so you lost me there :)

But you know what? I realise that I have pussyfooted the message I was trying to convey. I was talking about the issue in California organised mainly by the Vedic Foundation and which denied the effect of untouchability ... I didn't want anybody to think that I was attacking the Hindu religion and included something about Christianity and Islam into it to make it balanced (And thus the pussyfooting effect!). It could be called as one of those Aryan vs Dravidian thing (Which only a few could understand) I should have probably mentioned in passing that a number of South Indian associations were opposed to the interference of the Indian right, which in itself would have been enough to prove the cultural significance of this move (rather than the religious).

I did generalise it and tried to point out the various fringe elements in all religions. Just because I attach those fringe elements doesn't mean I am attacking everybody (Unless ofcourse you are part of it)

So no more pussyfooting and lots of dishing. I may not be perfect but heck I still got a blowhorn, take what you want and ...

“In order to keep anything cultural, logical, or ideological, you have to reinvent the reality of it.”

P.S: To the one who wrote this email - Hope you don't get the free time again (jus' kidding as always)

25000 Miles, knife in a shredder and other stories

To take a break from world politics and concentrate on my own... SO here goes the shorter version of my musings!

25000 Miles
I have officially broken the quarter century mark on my car in 14 months (If you discount my trip to India then it was 13!). The average mileage for a car in the US is between 12 and 15K miles. So much for me being average. I have decided to run this car to the ground so I am not holding back on account of the resale value.

Knife in a shredder
This is a never before seen footage (image). I was just trying to get the paper jam out. What really happened is plain to see.

Also goes to show that I have no patience for product manuals!

Speaking of products, these pictures are courtesy of my newest phone a TREO palm top. Its officially my ninth phone in three years. What can I say, my and my cellphones never seem to get along.This might also be my coolest one so far. With all the things it can do, from being used as a phone to working on office documents and acting as a low resolution video camera, I have been finally suckered by technology.

My first bachelor party
This weekend also was my first bachelor party. It was not for the faint hearted... no I am not talking about girls jumping on your lap out of a cake, but a full blown HALO LAN party. With some sprinkling of Dave and Busters where a 14 year old girl whipped my behind in simulation soccer. Also felt my age, when I almost pulled my groin muscle.


The weekend of my first bachelor party was also the weekend of me getting my first gun. Its a Marlin 30/30 calibre 30WA rifle.


That leaves me no time to talk about anti-valentine's day or the politically right term being Singles Awarness Day!!! But then I didn't think Feb 14 warrented any special attention from me!!!

In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.

Goddamned!!!

You heard me right!!!

I am just sick'n'tired of a bunch of Jackasses hijacking my religion and my culture. Not satisfied with just hijacking it they also want to represent me!! And I am not the only one affected by it, almost all cultures and faiths seem to have been taken over by bigots!

I watched the evolution debate rage on in the American education system and didn't say anything 'cause I wasn't affected by it but when a bunch of people start messing around with my culture and history in the American education system, I got serious issues with it.

To give you a little background on this issue ... It all started with the review of the history syllabus in the California state education system. A bunch of people took it upon themselves to correct some "misconceptions" about ancient Hindu practices in India and rewrite a little bit of history according to them. There were some valid corrections to be made but they used this chance to create their own version of history.

The fact that this effort was led by a bunch of RSS (Rashtriya swayamsevak Sangh) off shoots damages their credence in my sight. Joined together by a group of organisations that we would call "communal" in my country, they decided to make merry. And to support their arguments they were supported by bogus expert indologists.

So how did this bunch outrage me? They denied the caste system as it existed/exists, denied that it was hereditary, denied that the 'untouchables' ever existed/exist in India (sic). They want the kids to learn that the untouchables were called so because day performed the dirty jobs and not vice versa.

Again they didn't just stop there ... they want the kids to learn that the Aryans were the real residents of Ancient India (sic), which negates the widely accepted theory that the Dravidians occupied most of ancient India before the 'Aryan' Indo-European race came and settled in the north of India. I should know being one of the Dravidian! Why should we(Indians) ask American kids to learn any different when we are taught the Aryan invasion theory in Indian schools(If you do a google search now, you would see that most of the top results call it a myth or question it).

To those who are not so intimately connected to this development it might not be a big deal but it did touch a raw nerve in me. The fact that they tried to use subversion to get their point of view across by setting up a pseudo website pretending to care about the welfare of the untouchables. The site looks innocent enough now but they didn't start out that way. Most of the links on their website pointed to communal groups that usually took advantage of them until a research group decided to take notice.

It takes a lot to push me over the edge, obiviously this was not the only event that singularly pushed me over the limit. The protests over the cartoons are still going on.

I wasn't really going to get into that controversy (for fear of my life ..ha ha) but CrackerJack did give it a shot. What I see in all this is just plain hypocracy. The newspapers claim that they want to prove a point about freedom of speech by printing the cartoons, while the selfsame newspaper refused to print a satiric portrayal on Christ sometime back. The west seems to be wondering what all the fuss is about but talk to them about abortion and watch the violence erupt. The mullahs issue fatwas while teleevangelist issues assassination lists (But ofcourse in the west they apologize).

The Christians protest anything that goes against their definition of family values, the Muslim imams add fuel to the fire by adding pictures that were not even published and go against their own code by carrying around the picture of the prophet. The Muslims don't want anybody to make fun of their prophet but will make fun of the Jews and the holocaust. The Hindus will not let valentine's day corrupt their culture (Do you know where Kamasutra comes from?), they will send their sons and daughters to America and wear Nikes and Reaboks, but will blame the west for its own decadence. The Jews, well they just don't care about anybody but themselves, 'cause we are all gentiles. The Christians, they can't understand jihad, but the crusades?? That's another story.

They believe that they are blessed for all that they do, some expecting 70 virgins, some hoping for a higher position in their rebirth and some hoping to get a golden mansion, but they don't relise that they are "Goddamned"

So where does it leave us all who really want to follow our creed says ?? Somewhere in between

Matthew 5:44 - But I(Jesus) say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you...

P.S: A partial list of violent reactions

Of Gods and men

Its finally time for my second post. Couldn't let Ulysses have all the fun!!!

And straightway music and singing beguile the immortals. All the Muses together, voice answering heavenly voice, Hymn the undying gifts of the gods and the sufferings of men, Who, enduring so much at the hands of the gods everlasting, Live heedless and helpless, unable to find for themselves Either a cure for death or a bulwark against old age. --Homeric Hymn to Apollo 3.188-192

This past few days one of the major news story seems to about cartoons. You wouldn't figure out how much some damage some cartoons can cause. I have seen some tasteless cartoons but this seems to have really caused a nuclear explosion. Though this doesn't seem to be an instant explosion but a slow reacting one as the timeline suggests.

For those of you who have been out of this world for the last few days, this is all about cartoons of the Islamic Prophet Mohammed that appeared in some Danish dailies. I was going to link to a different site, but apparently the guy decided to take it off 'cause of quite a number of threats he received (As a side note, if somebody needs a death treat it is this person) And for those of you who don't know, a portrait of the prophet is a sacrilege to a Muslim (I know because my friend dates one).

It would have gone below the radar(who cares about the Danes!) had not a Norwegian paper reprinted it. And from being a news article it became a fight between religious sensitivity and the freedom of expression, ultimately turning into a Arab world versus the west.

Freedom of expression, like any freedom is not absolute in its boundaries. I have been mad by a lot of things that have been done using it. Some thing that really pissed me off was the
last temptation of Christ. I was so mad at the director who decided to make it and all the people who were involved in it, and I cheered when it bombed at the box office. But one day as I was discussing with some friends about some of the difficulties faced by Christians in some communist and middle eastern countries, it just dawned on me just how one sided I had been. Sure enough I was mad at the people but then that is democracy for good or for bad.

If I were to declare war on all people who did not hold my belief (Just like the church did in the middle ages), I have no reason to live in a democracy, might as well as live in a theocracy. Being born in this culture, I am more predisposed to be take it in its stride than somebody from a totally different belief system. I am also less likely to be militant about my religious believes than somebody from the east (Most of us just worship money!), and that is when it gets out of hand.

This controversy is as much about the freedom of expression as it is about plain common sense. I am all for freedom, but isn't there something called overkill? The media is as much to blame for this as anybody else in this. The other thing that really is funny to me is how people in so many different places of the world have taken it upon themselves to show their anger even though they had more pressing and important matters at hand.

Looks like the European papers are not taking it lying down (They don't care able their circulation in the middle east) atleast for now. They maybe stoking the fire or getting their revenge for restrictions that the church put on them during the middle ages. Maybe its time that the religiously convicted lived with the fact that they can't just kill the detractors.

So what is my take on this ... just get on with life and live your own faith, without forcing somebody else to live yours!! If I wanted to issue fatwas then I have a long list in my hand, unfortunately so do the people that I want to issue those fatwas against.

I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. --Voltaire